Training for Ultras with an Eating Disorder: A Personal Journey and Valuable Lessons for Athletes
For years, I thought I had my eating disorder under control and even believed I had it “resolved” at times. But the truth is, I was simply finding ways to meet very basic needs, concentrating on high protein/low calorie foods. Yet, I was still subconsciously avoiding calories where I could - as ridiculous as it might sound, I’d choose apple cider vinegar over balsamic as it had less calories! I thought adding a spoonful of tahini to my vegetables (cooked without oil) and mainly green and low sugar vegetables and tofu meals would now make it « high calorie » and refuel me from my 3h run. In short, I was nowhere even close to meeting the caloric needs of an ultrarunner. I had slipped into Relative Energy Deficiency in Sport (RED-S) without even realizing it.
What is RED-S?
RED-S occurs when an athlete doesn’t consume enough calories to support all the energy demands of training, recovery, and everyday life. This can lead to issues like hormonal imbalances, fatigue, and a decreased ability to perform. I didn’t have menstruations, struggled with sleep and constantly felt cold—even to the point where I had to stop swimming at my local pool because I couldn’t regulate my body temperature properly. I’ve had amenorrhea and insomnia for years so I didn’t relate it to RED-S.
But there was a part of me that still felt happy with the “skinniness.” I was running efficiently and seeing progress in my training, but I was ignoring the internal signs that something was wrong.
It is important to note that RED-S affects both men and women, this is not just a girl thing!
The Struggle: Mental Health and Performance
The biggest battle I faced wasn’t physical—it was mental. I constantly justified my under-fueling, telling myself I didn’t need to eat more because my runs were low intensity or I’d had a big meal earlier in the day. I thought I could push through, but deep down, I knew my body wasn’t getting what it needed.
This was self-sabotage. I was doing everything to perform better but wasn’t giving my body the proper fuel to reach its full potential.
How Gaining Weight Helped Me Heal
When I finally took the step to eat more and allow myself to gain weight, it was a huge mental shift. It hasn’t been easy—there have been tears and anxiety, especially around carb loading and feeling “fat” before races. I’ve spent a 9h car ride to a race stressed and crying because of how gross I looked. But the physical benefits have been undeniable: my energy levels have increased, my running performance is better, I’m more consistent, and I’ve regained my period and improved sleep. There are still challenges, I still justify under-fueling on a regular basis.
What I’ve Learned: The Importance of Fueling Properly for Performance and Health
If you're an athlete struggling with something similar, know that you're not alone. It's easy to get caught in the cycle of restrictive eating, especially if you feel pressure to be lean or are afraid of gaining weight. But the truth is, proper fueling is essential—not only for your health but for your athletic performance as well. Power needs fuel and that fuel comes from the calories we eat.
Here are some things I wish I knew earlier in my journey:
Understand Your Caloric Needs: It’s crucial to eat enough to fuel your training and support recovery. Under-fueling can negatively impact your performance, and over time, it can lead to burnout and injury.
Listen to Your Body: If you're constantly feeling cold, tired, or mentally foggy, those are signs your body needs more fuel. Don’t ignore them.
The Mind-Body Connection: The mental struggle of eating enough can be tough, but it’s part of the healing process. Allow yourself grace and patience, and remember that nourishing your body isn’t a sign of weakness—it's essential for becoming the athlete you want to be.
Don’t Fear Gaining Weight: Gaining a little weight can actually be a sign of healing and better health. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it is not the start of some slippery slope towards obesity (which I once thought it was) —it means you're prioritizing your overall well-being.
Reach Out for Support: If you're struggling with disordered eating or fueling for performance, talk to a coach, sports nutritionist, or mental health professional. It's okay to ask for help. You don’t have to go through this alone.
Why Proper Nutrition is Key for Endurance Athletes
As endurance athletes, we push our bodies to their limits. But this can’t happen without proper nutrition. Training for ultras, marathons, or any other endurance event requires not only commitment but also the right fuel. If you’re neglecting your nutritional needs, you might find yourself sabotaging your efforts—even if you don’t realize it at first.
When you fuel properly, you’ll have more energy, improved mental clarity, better race results, and faster recovery. Your body will thank you for it.
You’re Not Alone: Reach Out for Help
If you're struggling with eating disorders, under-fueling, or just don’t know how to navigate fueling for your training, I encourage you to reach out. I know firsthand how challenging this journey can be, but it doesn’t have to be one you face alone. Working with a coach, nutritionist, or therapist can make a huge difference in getting back on track and learning how to properly fuel your body for optimal health and performance.
Conclusion: Fuel for Performance and Health
The journey to recovery can be tough, but taking the right steps—like increasing your caloric intake, trusting your body, and seeking help—can make all the difference.
If you're ready to start feeling healthier, stronger, and more confident in your training, reach out for support. Together, we can ensure you’re fueling for both your performance and your well-being. I still get anxious at meals, still find myself justifying not eating, or not fueling during my runs and still choosing apple cider vinegar over balsamic, but I have seen how fueling properly has positively changed my progress, and I promise you that looking ‘tiny and strong’ (my mantra) is far better than looking tiny and weak. We have to tackle our eating disorders one bite at a time ..just as long as we are eating.
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